@AnOrangeSNES

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

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@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

@truegritrumble

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

@DurtMcHurtt

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

@BintyMustard

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

@FrenulumBreve

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

@MomOnFire

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

@jimmytorosian

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?