My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
And shoot enemies ?