I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.