Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.
Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle
When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Mother in law found me… On the twitter
This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.
I’m so sorry