I hired a PR team. They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people. I executed the PR team.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

me: i hate buzzfeed
buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ]
me: damn… what kinda bread AM i…

Him: Do you know what I just forgot?

Me: You mean “just remembered”

Him: No

Me:

Him:

Me: No

Him: Shit

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?

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