YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
me: i hate buzzfeed
buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ]
me: damn… what kinda bread AM i…
Him: Do you know what I just forgot?
Me: You mean “just remembered”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?