@_Kim_Jongun

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

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@PoodleSnarf

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

@KentWGraham

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

@bombsydoll

Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.

@smithsara79

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

@JohnASinclair

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

@NicestHippo

Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle

@allisonjp

When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.

@LackOfShame

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

@TheBoydP

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry