“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.