I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim