@envydatropic

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

me: [praying]

priest: will the gentleman in the back please stop referring to our lord as “daddy”

@SentenceReduced

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

@nachosarah

why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses

@HaliPhacks

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@TheirMaddesty

I don’t think frogs should’ve been one of the ten plagues. I think they’re nice

@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”