I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

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me: [praying]

priest: will the gentleman in the back please stop referring to our lord as “daddy”


[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”


chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend


why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses


*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?


my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy


Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…


I don’t think frogs should’ve been one of the ten plagues. I think they’re nice


Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”