*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*

Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this

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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship


My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.


STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business


Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.


Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.


My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.


Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.


Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.


My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.


Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.