My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
What the hell happened in there??
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE