MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
The 3 second rule: the time between when you tell me your name and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was.
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”