Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
Me: I’m heading off now.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..
Long story short, picking her up at 7.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.