@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

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@TweetPotato314

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@MartaEffing

I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?

@3sunzzz

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

@AspergersAreUs

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

@slimmy_shady

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

@pbear79

A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..

Long story short, picking her up at 7.

@blainecapatch

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

@AristotlesNZ

This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.