@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

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@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@ashleycrem

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

@wolfpupy

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

@FattMernandez

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

@realHamOnWry

Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.

@karanbirtinna

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

@girlontapas

The 3 second rule: the time between when you tell me your name and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was.

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”