I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us


[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW


Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day


Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?


[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms


[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”


Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?


Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.


Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees


I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.