we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away
Security Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: …I ate mushrooms
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.