I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Story of my life…..
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”