I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.