I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope