Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid