@SarahFemme

I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

You Might Also Like

@shutupmikeginn

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

@lynyrdsbackyard

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@WilliamAder

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

@Gooooats

“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@BlaineKy

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@whatmaddness

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.