I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
You Might Also Like
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.