I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog


Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.


DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]


[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.


“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.


Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t


Me: buy the kids


Me: a trampoline.



I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…


I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.


[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.