I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.