I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

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*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward


I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”


ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list


migraine |my-grain|
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field


I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry


In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.


I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.



You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs