*returns lost dog*
Lady: That’s not him. He was white
Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*goes down on escalator
Escalator: I have a boyfriend
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs