What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”