@joshgondelman

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

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@MichaelGoffLA

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@SirEviscerate

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

@Robert_Beau

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@PanicRestroom

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

@jegheterbella

More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”