I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.