My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
6. me as a lawyer
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check