Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”