I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol