@davidschneider

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

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@daemonic3

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

@BoogTweets

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

@EmmettScanlan

Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
*Kicks Mum*..

@NotYourAunt_A

Woke up hearing my owl again. I continued to listen, and I heard another owl hoo-ing.

Since owls tend to mate for life, I thought “Aww.” Then I realized she was already telling him to STFU.

@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

@sonictyrant

[Painting the mona lisa]

Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg

Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.

@AlexvanBeek

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

@traciebreaux

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls