Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
Woke up hearing my owl again. I continued to listen, and I heard another owl hoo-ing.
Since owls tend to mate for life, I thought “Aww.” Then I realized she was already telling him to STFU.
Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?
[Painting the mona lisa]
Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg
Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: Only one juice box per person.
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls