I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

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Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.


So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe


*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby


Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?


Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.


Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate


I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry


I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.


White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.