Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?