Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
Using “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.