you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
April 1st is the class clown of days.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”