THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔