I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.

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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go


serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!


“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.


My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.


To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.


People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.


Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.


She: I wanna be alone for halloween.

Me: Yes, loans are very scary.


I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.