“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife