Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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Education is vital
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.