I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.