I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.