Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The cake is mightier than the sword.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”