“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations
I hope I’m never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.
My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C
Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.
Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Me: You planning to come back?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing