[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m about to risk it all
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm