@juliussharpe

I hope I’m never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.

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@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@baronvonbike

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@zachreinert03

Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess

@mackswift

THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

THEY LIED.

EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@Parentpains

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Me: Ya?
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Him: ..
Me: You planning to come back?