I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You Might Also Like
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?