i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
remember
only for emergencies
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I only look at Wordle for the articles
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work