i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Canada has crack?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
what does he know…
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.