I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My neck my back my allergy attack
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.