I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.