I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.


During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?


If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.


Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.


oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere


can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us


Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.


me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a