@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

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@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@tesselatrix

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

@LarryJLund

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@NapVeg

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

@ThisOneSayz

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

@ClichedOut

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a