I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY