I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

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This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.


All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.


One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile


You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.


I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding


I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart


*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family

Where’s my phone?