@Eden_Eats

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

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@corinnemlwsw

This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.

@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@DonQuickoats

I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding

@RCKruseKontrol

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

@mattZillaaaa

*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family

Where’s my phone?