I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
these two trucks have the same bed length
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
When someone says you are so lazy
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up