I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My dad.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
what does he know…
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again