I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.