Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site
But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
Facebook account for sale, friends included.
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.
interviewer: what is ur weakness?
me: follow up questions
interview: care to elaborate?
me: [quivers with fear]