@TFriss

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

You Might Also Like

@pixelatedboat

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

@iwearaonesie

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

@SteveKoehler22

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

@dafloydsta

[creating penguins]
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
ANGEL: Uhh..
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?

@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

@LionJenkins

Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.

@ipalatsky

Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.

@yayraptor

interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]