@DammitErin

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

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@ankles_so_weak

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

@koalaslament

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

@ChicksRule

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

@AnkCoupleTO

[Easter]

Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I

@BobGolen

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

@Jonesy_donkey

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

@Cpin42

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@CAshmanActor

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?