I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
awkward
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave