I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

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Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*


I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.


Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘



Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I


I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.


3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.


In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.


No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.


professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?