I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Shoo shoo! 😂
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I came this close!!!!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.