I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.


Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Mom: *faints*
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??


In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”


[spelling bee]

-your word is ‘amnesia’

-can you use it a sentence, please?

-your word is ‘amnesia’


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here


I’m at the age where I get leg bruises if I’m in the same house as furniture & walls.


I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.