“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup