I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.