I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

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it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk


Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.


we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:


I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.


Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.


Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”


[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*



*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania


instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club