@neiltyson
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
@Dawn_M_
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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@neiltyson
@c12h22o11balls
Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
@AtticusFinch79
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
@fixyourcompass
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
@candy_badass
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
@Reverend_Banjo
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
@elisemarie91
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
@loudmouth_usa
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
@CyrusOMerican
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.