Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.