I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Breaking news:
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Netflix and awkward silence?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm