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When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.


I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.


I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am


[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.


Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.


I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party


She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.


ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think


People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.