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@SexytotheNorth

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.

@PetrickSara

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

@daemonic3

kid: dad I can’t sleep

me: why not?

kid: do you see that monster under my bed?

me: [looks under bed] OMG yes

kid: well I drank the whole can 🙁

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@goldman

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.