I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
🤣🤣🤣
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.