@GrillinChillin9

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

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@ThaJawn

*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation

*sneezes

*head slams into window and breaks it

@TheAlexNevil

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

@TheAndrewNadeau

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

@badbanana

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@Matt_The_1st

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

@ArfMeasures

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE