I hope that one day I am as fearless as a New York City Pigeon.

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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.


Her: You are so rude… I just hate you sometimes. When you die I’m gonna dance on your grave!

Me: Not with those fat ankles!


There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.


Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho


Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.