I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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oppen heimer style lol
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him