I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

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“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite


MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction


The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.


Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit


Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.


Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.


[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”


Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.


*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.


Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.