[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
You Might Also Like
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“Because Im a goddamned rock star!” wasn’t the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Nobody gracefully gets out of a beanbag chair.
If I was a quotation mark, I’d be a single quotation mark.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.