@nealbrennan

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

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@eedrk

[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]

@WilliamAder

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

@WesTheFatKid

“Because Im a goddamned rock star!” wasn’t the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@ranndrew

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

@the_real_bnell

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

@lawyerthoughts

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.