I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.